just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
