Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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