Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
