You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
