I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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