You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
