is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
