it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
