Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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