I cannot find my penis.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
