The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
