No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
