I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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