well I can't set my house on fire every night
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
