I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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