There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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