I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
