That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
