Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
