Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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