I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
