Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
