I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
