I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
