got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
