She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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