I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
