It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
