I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
