Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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