He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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