Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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