If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
