my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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