It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Randomize
