Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
