I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
