thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
