We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
