i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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