I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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