i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
