Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She bit a glass in half.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
