Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
