Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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