Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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