6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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