Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
