I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
