sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
