party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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